An essay on what it’s like being a wolf therian. The below snippet was taken from Meirya, a hawk therian, who gave me permission to use it. Thanks birdy!
“I experience hawk more vivaciously and physically and presently than any memory. I don’t have physical memories of me-as-child-this-life, even; they’re distant things, they helped make me but they aren’t me at this time, and they’re not very clear/vivid/present-now. Hawk is something I experience, day-to-day; it’s something I am, not something I was. I have feathers and hawk-instincts and bird-thoughts and avian-reactions, beneath my skin and skittering through and in and behind human-thoughts/mind, not ever really quite separate, just more prominent or more apparent or “louder” at times.” – Meirya
I do not experience wolf as past life memories. As Meirya already said, I experience wolf every day. I agree with her in that I am wolf, but I wasn’t a wolf in a past life. At this point in time, I’m not even sure if I believe in reincarnation for myself or not. I’m still very confused on that subject.
I have pointed ears and a tail. I have fur that ripples just beneath the surface. I have sharp teeth and a long snout. I have paws with blunt claws. I have wolf instincts and thoughts. I wouldn’t call myself a contherian, someone who doesn’t experience shifts, because I do. I still experience astral, mental and occasionally dream shifts.
I wrote in my essay “Being Wolf” about how I remember what it was like being a wolf.
“I can remember what it was like to bite through the spine of prey. I can remember how it feels when the wind whips across the plains and through my fur. I can remember the scent of the grass and the way the sky and earth smelled before it rained. I can remember hearing my true voice, singing to the stars. I can remember seeing what I truly look like on the inside.”
I realize now that those aren’t memories so much as natural wolf instincts when those activities/experiences come to mind. Since I wasn’t a wolf due to a past life or incarnation, I just know what those things should be like even though I’ve never actually experienced them as a wolf.
I have always based my therianthropy on a cosmic accident. Or the “oops scenario” as I like to call it. I like to envision it like this: when they were handing out souls for humans, like in an assembly line, when it came to be my turn, for whatever reason, a wolf soul got put into my human body when I was born. It’s something that’s been with me my whole life and it was only about 6 years ago that I could put a name and terms to how I felt.
It’s so deeply ingrained in my psyche that it would be like trying to split my personality. I am wolf and I am human, but they’re so tightly interconnected that unless I make a conscious effort, I don’t separate one from the other.
And I am wolf and human every day. There are times when I feel more one than the other; like if I’m out in the woods I feel more wolf or if I’m in a crowded place I try to feel more human so I don’t lose control. But it really depends on the situation and circumstances. I experience wolf every day, no matter where I am or who I’m with or what I’m doing. It’s simply another aspect of myself.
Originally written November 27, 2007